Caught with my pants down...

I'm having problems with toilets. It's not a problem with my body, it's the toilet room. Last night I went to Liverpool for a friends birthday celebration. We started with a lovely meal at Fazenda. Then I went to the ladies toilet. It was a stunning toilet, I must say. My own cubicle with a personal sink and hand dryer. After washing my hands I slapped on some of the very expensive hand lotion provided. Then spent ages trying to turn the door knob to get out. After re-washing my hands and wiping the door knob I eventually escaped.

We then headed to the White Star pub in town where I visited their ladies facility. After a quick check in the mirror I tried to open the main door out, locked. I stood there for a moment wondering who would have locked me in. Then I realised it was not the main door out and I was in fact trying to open a cupboard door. My last toilet visit was the worst. Sitting on the loo, minding my own business, a lady barged in, stood for a few seconds just staring at me, then said "oh sorry, I thought it was vacant". So, I either can't unlock the door, can't even find the door or just don't bother locking the door! I had a good night anyway, the highlight being when a lady in the pub, pointed at me and asked my sister "is that your daughter?" ha-ha!

Back home, Milo would not leave me alone. As I'd been to an 'eat all you can 'meat' carvery' he thought I smelt delicious. Quick change into my very 'sexy' onesie and he soon settled down. Milo didn't look so 'sexy' either on our walk this morning. I forgot to take his lead so he had to walk past all the other dogs sporting a lovely, lime green, fluffy scarf...

My 'sexy' onesie, not...

Milo's sexy look...

January, sick & tired, you keep hanging on me...

I'm kind of glad January has gone. I pretty much did nothing for the whole of January. Mind you I've not done much for the start of February either! But I'm feeling quite positive, especially as the days are getting lighter. Milo wakes me at about 6.30 every morning and is more than keen to go on his walk at about 7ish. The problem is it's dark at that time and Milo is scared of the dark. I think he believes I can take him to a place that is not dark at 7 am and therefore pesters me until we go out. This week it has started to get light at about 7.30 so all is good.

My son and his girlfriend have just bought their first house and moved in last week. I'm so happy for them both. It's just down the road from me and I've noted it has a large empty garage too. I may suggest he turns it into a granny flat for me and Milo. Only joking son! I am extremely proud of my son, he has the most beautiful girlfriend, a wonderful career and now his own home. I don't know how I managed to produce such a level headed child, I think I may have to request a DNA test.

I've not put much effort into my online dating of late as I've been feeling 'ugly'.  But I've now realised its only eight days until Valentine's Day and it's just going to pass me by, again. I think I might fire up the Beast, drive somewhere nice and cook a romantic candle lit dinner for MiloandMe....

My Valentine Date...

My 'granny' flat...

I wish Milo was an onion...

I need to date an onion. Fact. When any man writes in his bio, on a dating site 'what you see is what you get' I'm not interested. I want more.  I need mystery and intrigue. I need twists and turns. I need layers. Therefore I need an onion! But what I don't want is a bad onion.

My second date, which had been arranged for the weekend, was cancelled by him. Due to illness, he asked if we could re-arrange. I was quite happy to go along with this and agreed with the re-arrangement. And I've never heard from him since... My nosy side would love to know what happened,  did he get a better offer? Did he read my blog? Did he get run over by a bus? My rational side says he wasn't all that great (bad onion) so move on.

Moving on, I went back to my meetup.com writing group on Sunday. I even plucked up the courage to read, out loud, some of my written work. I chose to read my piece about 'failing as a prostitute' and got lots of positive feedback. It's a Laidback writers group so I'm sure they got the funny side. Going to the group also gave me the kick up the arse to do some more writing, I'm loving my new laptop, and now wondering about self publishing. Having previously been in talks with two different publishers and still no book on the horizon, I'm feeling frustrated.

Milo has been a bit sickly this week. And boy when he's sick he's sick. He empties the entire contents of his stomach in one go. Then he looks at me all sad like he's in trouble. Just makes me love him even more than ever. I wish Milo was an onion...

Love of my life...

My rape alarming hair style...

I very nearly woke up the whole street this morning. I was preparing for my date, yes a date! when I reached for my hair mousse, which is extremely similar in appearance to my rape alarm! Luckily I realised in time and didn't wake up anybody and also didn't feel the need to inflict my date with an extra thick volumising hair do...

My date was with a gentleman I met on Plenty of Fish. I had used this website previously, with not much luck, but decided to renew my profile before Christmas. I was a little perplexed as I hadn't received a single response over the holidays. That is until I realised I had 'hidden' my profile from view. As soon as I 'unhid' my profile the messages came flooding in. Unfortunately it was slim pickings,with messages ranging from "Hi sexy" to just "Hi". And even these messages were spelt incorrectly. I decided it was only polite to reply to each and every one saying 'thank you but no thank you' but I did have to resort to copy and paste. And even then nearly all the gentlemen replied to my reply. So I've had a busy few days. Anyway one gentleman stood out from the crowd and our coffee date was successful enough to arrange a second date this weekend. Fingers crossed we've both made the right choice.  Tinder has been a bit hit and miss, although they did inform me that I'd been Right Swiped by over 3'000 people! Maybe a slight exaggeration there? And then Twitter sent me a notification that The Male Escort Agency was now following me, yikes! I thought, am I going to have to buy myself a boyfriend?

My best bit this week, besides some crisp, sunny walks on the beach with Milo, was becoming the proud owner of a laptop.  It's just a little basic one but it has got Microsoft word, which is a Godsend when doing my writing. I've been trying to write my book on my iPad which has been pretty frustrating. Now I'm ready to hound the publishing world...

Rape alarm versus hair mousse...

Truthfully Tinder?...

An expensive date... 

Beach days with Milo...

Apparently Cuckolds don't require medication...

Well hello 2018 nice to meet you. 2017 ended with Milo, me, my sister Pip and her partner all in the Beast on the top of a hill in North Wales. It was a last minute decision and a good one at that. We cooked a lovely meal had copious amounts of alcohol and watched all the fireworks in the distance. I had to do a breathalyser test in the morning before leaving and it was like waiting for a pregnancy result. Negative! No immaculate conception for me.

2018 has started with me full of cold and yet feeling rather positive. This year I really must focus on what I actually want. Last year I fear I sat waiting for things to happen and they didn't. So it's up to me to pull my finger out and achieve. I'm still determined to meet my soul mate, I swear he's out there somewhere. I just have to root through the oddballs I seem to attract. One of which was a 'Cuckold'. This was a new one for me, I'd never heard of it. He said he'd been Cuckold for over 20 years and asked me, via Tinder, if I was familiar with it? I had to google it, I was thinking along the lines of diabetes or epilepsy. Hmm.. No! He is a gentleman who would actively encourage me to be with other men during our relationship. His pleasure would be sexual humiliation. Sadly he'd have a long wait being with me, I've spent years trying to find just one man I fancy never mind a regular supply!

Also this year I really hope I can publish my book. The 'untold' bits of my blog. The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Haha. I'm currently in talks with a publisher so fingers crossed I'm not let down again. I've got some exciting things happening this year involving Travel, TV and Writing. I just hope I can squeeze a wedding in too...!

Love my Beast...

Not pregnant just fat...

Feeling positive...

Family...

Happy New Year... 

Duck it's a pineapple...

I've had a lovely Christmas and can't believe it's over for another year. I got new wellies, Joules no less, new pyjamas and an electric toothbrush. I got cash from Pip which unfortunately I lost amongst the piles of wrapping paper and so spent most of Boxing Day rooting through the bins, thankfully I found it. Christmas morning we piled into the Beast and headed to my mums for dinner. I managed to take a bend far too sharply and my mums present shot off the bench and smashed onto the floor. It was a China duck and rattled when she unwrapped it. She said it's the thought that counts and placed it in the bath.

Christmas dinner was delicious, all cooked by mum. And our after dinner party game was pass the parcel wearing oven gloves. Mixed with alcohol it was all rather raucous. Milo spent most of the day eating wrapping paper and also managed to sneak a whole bowl of cheese Pringles. My mum only has one spare bedroom and my son and his girlfriend managed to bag that early on. So me Pip and her partner slept in my van on the drive. I'd bought them a pineapple plant for Christmas as it apparently stops snoring. I seriously felt like hitting them both over the head with it at about 4am!

Tinder has once again let me down and didn't provide a Christmas boyfriend. For a few days I was chatting with a gentleman quite well, who wanted to meet up, but then he just disappeared. But I met an old friend today for coffee and he has just met someone online and says he is really happy. So I won't give up yet. On a plus, my face is healing so maybe next time I'm in the woods I'll pick a huge bush of mistletoe in preparation for New Year...

Heading off for Christmas...

The next morning...

The snoring stopper pineapple plant... 

My new Joules wellies... 

MiloandMe ❤️... 

The one when George Clooney came to stay...

I've had a quiet week as far as dating goes. My face has been far too scabby to inflict upon anyone. And the pain has been pretty unbearable too. So I've pretty much hidden away all this week. This gave occasion to spend more time in the woods with Milo so he's more than happy with my gruesome  face. Unfortunately the lovely fresh snow we had at the beginning of the week has now melted and the latter half of this week has been like a Tough Mudder exercise every day.

My week has been so quiet that I persuaded Pip to hunt out that old photo of George Clooney in my van. The one when I picked him up whilst he was down on his luck and hitchhiking round the UK. Obviously, being the kind hearted female that I am, I offered him my couch for the night and put a few quid in his pocket the next day. I have heard he is now 'repaying' people from his past who were there for him in times of need. Reckon he might have forgotten about me... Haha.

My week slightly improved in that I got a facebook reminder that exactly one year ago I appeared on TV with Ardal O'Hanlon in Ireland. We were filmed with Willie the Matchmaker, matching me up with Kevin. (Not the carrot)  My face says it all. And Milo farted on camera.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yOysPBwGa8I

I've taken opportunity during my quiet week to do some more book writing. It's frustrating that one minute I love most of what I've written so far and then I hate all that I've written. Also not helped by the fact I'm writing it all on an iPad which constantly shuts down mid paragraph. Without saving...

My very sore, very scabby face...

Milo time...

Can't believe George doesn't remember this night... 

I can't even pull a carrot...

This dating malarkey is somewhat confusing. I had a date last week through the tinder app and I thought it went quite well. He was a somewhat unusual character but unusual is the type I'm generally drawn to! Anyway he took a whole week to get back in touch so I can only assume he's not really that interested in me. Another gentleman on the other hand is more than enthusiastic in his messages and was sending about ten a day, with little input from me. At one point he even messaged that he was off shopping and did I need anything?. We've never met. I could see from his profile that he lives extremely close to me so I decided it would be a good idea to meet up, just in case I'm (without knowing) walking past him every day. Anyway since I suggested this I've never heard from him again. I swear even Carrots have a more successful love life than me!

None of this is helped by the fact that I have a really scabby face just now. I have what are known as precancerous cells on my face and am having to treat them with a chemotherapy cream for eight weeks. This is the second time I have had to go through this process.  I am now at the stage where they are really painful, quite unsightly and difficult to disguise with makeup. Not a good look if one is trying to impress upon a gentleman, or even a carrot for that matter. Word to the wise take care of your young self, NEVER use sun beds and always use sunscreen. Or, like me, you will struggle to even pull a carrot.

Although, I was slightly uplifted whilst wandering through Liverpool One as I was plucked from the crowd to partake in a football competition. I guess I didn't look too repulsive that day. JD sports had on offer a £50 voucher for the most headers scored. I was dressed in my full length fur coat, six inch heels and teamed up with a lovely young, professional header, man. The other 'girl' was about 18 and wearing a tracksuit and trainers. She scored five. I scored one and even that shot into the crowd and hit an innocent bystander. No prizes for me they said but it's the taking part that counts. Therefore I will continue with this dating malarkey...

Lucky in love carrots...

My stalker...

Another of my balls-ups...

Must keep trying...

I miss my sexy knickers...

I am middle aged. I discovered this fact this morning when reading an article about a 'middle aged woman' who is 51. How did this happen without me noticing? I don't want to be 'that woman' I want to remain 'that girl'. I guess now I come to think about it I am slowly becoming older not younger which is how I tend to normally behave.  For one my knickers have got bigger, I remember the day when my knickers were so skimpy I could use them to tie my hair up for a spontaneous act of passion! The only groans I hear from my mouth now are when I have to bend down to put my socks on. Bedtime excitement for me is removing my makeup and putting my jammies on at 7pm.

Online dating is not making me feel any younger, in fact quite the opposite. Most of my messages are from men nearer to my mums age than mine. Talking of my mum she sent me a message the other day quite excited that Paul Hollywood is now single! She thinks I could court his affections by baking him a cake. I told her he was quite out of my league and she then informed me he has brothers I could try. I'm sure she has my best interests at heart, or she's desperate for me to get hitched.

Maybe not as desperate as me though. Last week I went to the Walker Art Gallery in Liverpool on a man hunt. Thinking I might come across a tall dark handsome stranger whilst perusing paintings. Unfortunately all I  came across were large groups of small children on school trips. So I took myself up Bold Street and sat with a coffee to do some people watching. And there he was. My handsome stranger, walking towards me. He was rather breathtaking and we engaged in eye contact, the sort where neither of you let go. He gave me a knowing smile as he walked on by, out of my life. Ha! I don't give up that easy. I grabbed my handbag and started following him through the city. He weaved in and out the crowds of shoppers whilst I followed in hot pursuit, feeling like a mixture of a detective come stalker. Sadly I was wearing six inch heels, couldn't keep up and lost him after about five minutes, which probably was the best outcome as I have no idea what I would have said had I caught up with him... "Wanna see my big knickers?..."

The girl that was verses the woman I am...

My mothers high expectations...

The Walker Art Gallery, empty of men...

Dating dilemmas...

My Beast has had a well overdue clean. I've kept the inside clean but outside was pretty mucky, with bits of moss growing in places. One big soapy yard brush later and he's as good as new, well, besides the rust which is growing as quick as the moss. Whilst cleaning I came across my map of Scotland highlighting our route. It wasn't quite NC500, more of a zig zag journey due to me, so often, getting lost. Nonetheless I loved it all and would do it all again in a heartbeat.

Milo stayed indoors whilst I cleaned the van, mainly because he is scared of hose pipes and thinks yard brushes are to be chased and attacked. Yesterday I bought Milo his first Christmas decoration, it's a cute little snow globe with a reindeer inside who I swear looks the spit of Milo. He didn't seem too impressed when I showed him it.

I'm debating, at the moment, a dilemma on a dating website. It's called mysinglefriend and I've signed up for free. I can read the messages I've been sent by various gentlemen but I have to pay a subscription if I want to reply. As I'm so poor just now I've put off subscribing, but there is an automatic message reply button, one suggesting that the gentleman pays for your subscription. A particular gentleman has sent me a few messages, in the latest one he is suggesting he makes a payment to secure me... He certainly isn't someone I could picture myself being with and I feel it would be unkind to take his money with nothing in return. I guess I could accept his offer and just meet him for coffee to say thank you. But would that not be leading him on? Hmm what to do...

Milo's lookalike Christmas snow globe...

Milo's unimpressed face...

Cleaning the Beast...

Zig zagging Scotland...

My sisters boyfriend is not flirting with me...

I've been staying with my sister and her boyfriend for a while now, they've been most accommodating  towards Milo and me. There are also two cats residing with us who mainly stay out of Milos way and vice versa. It appears Milo is scared of cats and when they do venture out of the bedroom Milo frets like a baby and tends to run to his bed, crying. The black cat is not called Russel.  Russel is the name  embossed in his feeding bowl. I have been calling him Russel for a while now. Russel never comes to me when I call. The black cat is apparently named Babe. And I thought my sisters boyfriend was flirting with me...

Today I got the train over to Liverpool to Saint George's Hall for Remembrance Sunday. It was a befitting tribute to all service men and women, past and present. Thousands of poppy petals were scattered from the roof top of St Georges Hall, it was wonderful. I was also in my element eyeing up all the men in uniform! Later I wandered into town for a coffee and spotted a rather handsome man, loitering nervously, in the doorway of Debenhams. He was in front of the window display of #YouShall have your Christmas wish. Hmm I thought, maybe he is waiting for a blind date, maybe he doesn't know what she looks like, maybe I could approach him and pretend to be said blind date and we would live happily ever after! Whilst I was planning my approach and chat up line "Hi there, so sorry I'm late, have you been waiting long?" He disappeared off into the shop with an equally attractive lady, no doubt the actual love of his life. Hey ho you can't blame a girl for dreaming...

Hello Babe...

Don't call me Russell...

Lest we forget...

Hello Babe...

#YouShall live happily ever after... 

Sometimes a girl just needs a cuddle...

I've had a busy kind of week, good, quite good and very good. I had a random invite from a friend to a birthday party. I didn't know anyone there but had a good night non the less. I also received a message from an American boy I met in San Pedro two years ago, he was visiting the UK with his friend and suggested we meet up in Liverpool. They were good fun guys and made me laugh that evening. I left to go home and they carried on partying in the city bringing to mind An American Warewolf in Liverpool movie. I also had a lunch date with someone I met on Tinder, it was our second date and was very pleasant. Will there be a third? I'm not sure. I went to a lovely firework display on Hoylake beach, had coffee with Milo at the Red Fox and played in a kids park at the Harvest Mouse.

This week my lovely next door neighbour knocked at my door to inform me her friend had overheard on BBC Radio Two that a gentleman in Scotland was trying to find that lady who travelled round Scotland in a van with her dog? Hmm, I wonder if he'll find me? I wonder who he is? Also this week I received an interesting message from someone I don't know praising me on my style of writing, he provided me with lots of positive feedback and plenty of encouragement to write that book! This in turn led me to spend the whole day in my van writing some more of my book. But the best bit for me this week was trying to arrange a meeting with a publisher who is interested in publishing my book, mega excited is an understatement.

Weird thing is although I've had a really good week I'm now sitting on the couch with Milo feeling really down. Milo is on edge because of the fireworks and is in need of lots of cuddles. I'm just probably feeling sad due to a lack of cuddles...

Wearing high heels...

Having fun...

Oh wherefore art thou cuddles... 

Shit, it's a dead cat...

Hooray the clocks have gone back, I can see, the mornings are lighter. Couldn't come quick enough for Milo and me as I nearly made a big fool of myself yesterday morning. We were driving down the road towards the woods when I spotted a dead cat lying in the road. I slowed down ready to stop, pullover and knock on a few doors asking if anyone was missing a moggy? As I got closer I soon realised the dead cat was infact a pile of horse manure! Could have received some very funny looks trying to cradle that in my arms.

The woods are beautiful this time of year, all golden and warm colours yet cold and breathtaking. We love Autumn. I love watching the geese fly off to warmer climates and wish I was travelling with them on their adventure. I think it's time I planned another adventure for MiloandMe. I kind of like the idea of going back to the West Coast of Scotland but am not sure the Beast could stand the cold. Every few days his engine battery is flat and it's not even that cold yet. Not sure what that's all about.

Poor Milo is now hiding in the bedroom having heard a firework in the distance. So I've made him a little den to feel safe in and am playing him some soothing music in the background. It's like this every year but it still breaks my heart...

Autumn in the woods...

Migrating South...

Milo in his den... 

Milo and The Milk Tray Man...

I for one can't wait for the clocks to fall back an hour. Milo and me have got into a routine of our daily walk being at about 7am. Unfortunately for the last few weeks it has been extremely dark in the woods at 7am, I can't see where I'm going (story of my life!). Milo doesn't care and insists on waking at 6.30 for his breakfast and then mithers me until I agree to venture out. He does everything that he knows will annoy me: empty the bin; eat my socks; steal my slippers, just to get me out of the armchair.

This morning though he was very quiet. He was up to something. He was lurking around looking rather suspicious. And it appears he was up to something, he has been online and entered me into a competition! He has put me forward to be the recipient of a box of Cadburys Milk Tray chocolate delivered by himself, accompanied by The Milk Tray Man. They will both go on a mission, risking life and limb, to deliver said chocolates to me. I, of course, will be waiting deep in the woods in my log cabin lying by a log fire looking suitably gorgeous praying for their safe arrival.

 Now I appreciate The Milk Tray Man and I won't live happily ever after, what with him having to carry out these missions on a daily basis, but if only for a moment I will get a taste of this. And of course the chocolate...

Milo ready for his mission...

I think I hear their helicopter approaching...

Ready for my chocolates...

Hoping for mission accomplished...